when things arent going your way,
or when u have feelings of inadequacy,
we always ask ourselves ‘why’?
others also ask us ‘why’?
e.g.
1. why doesnt anyone understand me?
2. why didnt my boss take notice of my suggestions?
i recently read a book by D. Molden & P. Hutchinson, and they discouraged the usage of ‘why’ questions,
as they lead to feelings of inadequacy.
the fundamental problem with askin ‘why’ questions is that it assumes the statement it is responding to is actually true.
so refering to the above questions, if u ask ‘why’, u’re assuming that:
1. yes nobody understands u
2. yes your boss did not take notice of ur suggestions
& whatever it is, it comes back to make u feel inadequate and extremely negative.
asking such ‘why’ questions also causes u to build illusions you have just chosen to believe.
what should we do then?
CHANGE THE QUESTION!
whenever we find ourselves in a less-than-satisfactory situation or with a not-so-comfortable feeling, we should ask ourselves ‘WHAT’ or ‘HOW’ questions instead.
these questions will keep us focused on the observable actions and keep us from forming negative illusions.
for example, the previous ‘why’ questions can be changed to:
1. what actions can i take to make people understand me? how can i make people see my point of view?
2. what can i do in future to make my boss notice my suggestions? how can i make my suggestions un-missable?
such ‘what’ and ‘how’ questions serve to make us build more positive illusions, and at the same time encourage us to take ACTION rather than just flatly questioning ‘why’!
so take the first step and create self-awareness with regards to the way we phrase our questions!
25/03/2009 at 9:51 pm Permalink
Nice article! I do agree with D. Molden & P. Hutchinson on the part of asking How and What instead of Why. Its true that many people who asked WHY tends to go into a stage of disempowerment and yet I still feel it is important for you to learn the power of WHY. Maybe start asking a bit. Going too fast into the how and what might not stretch you to look deep inside you for a last desire. I have learnt the power asking why coupled with how along the way even though it might not be clear initially…
As the saying goes, once you know your WHY, the HOW will just come naturally. I am working toward this and let’s enjoy WHY we are asking this and HOW we can proceed from here! Have fun!
26/03/2009 at 11:00 am Permalink
Yes! It’s all about taking charge of ourselves!
The questions that we ask can definitely change our perspectives and our lives!